Chicago Family Law Blog

In the initial conversation I have with a client contemplating a divorce, the client's focus is typically on the divorce as an action step. 'I see lawyer, lawyer files papers, we go to court, I am divorced.' Clients tend to focus more on the process than the emotion he/she feels about the life changing situation they are about to embark on. I routinely observe that clients tend to shove back the emotion they feel about the end of their marriage or partnership - ignoring the emotional stages of divorce.

In the same respect, lots of lawyers don't want to hear a client cry, or would probably run out of the room if a client displayed any type of sadness, anxiety or panic. Let me be brutally honest - those lawyers are doing you a disservice. I'm not suggesting that your lawyer act as your therapist, but a good lawyer must help you recognize that divorce is both a legal and an emotional process. A client's emotional status effects the litigation. Clients need to be emotionally and mentally ready to effectively absorb information and make informed and reasoned decisions.

As a divorce attorney, I find it helpful to work with a client's therapist and/or engage a divorce coach to work with the client to understand the stages of emotion involved in the process, and to help client prepare for contested hearings, settlement negotiations and court ordered evaluations. I wouldn't be an effective litigator if I didn't point out that there can also be a strategic advantage in my client's favor to prepare him/her emotionally and gain an understanding of the soon to be former spouse's/partner's pathology and emotional state.

I've reprinted below an excerpt from a web article found at www.mediate.com written by James Melamed, Esq. called Mediating Divorce Agreement. It explains the emotional stages of divorce. Hope you find it helpful.

Emotional Stages of Divorce

I. DISILLUSIONMENT OF ONE PARTY (sometimes 1-2 years before verbalized)

A. Vague feelings of discontentment, arguments, stored resentments, breaches of trust

B. Problems are real but unacknowledged

C. Greater distance; lack of mutuality

D. Confidential, fantasy, consideration of pros and cons of divorce

E. Development of strategy for separation

F. Feelings: fear, denial, anxiety, guilt, love, anger, depression, grief

II. EXPRESSING DISSATISFACTION (8-12 months before invoking legal process)

A. Expressing discontent or ambivalence to other party

B. Marital counseling, or

C. Possible honeymoon phase (one last try)

D. Feelings: relief (that it's out in the open), tension, emotional roller coaster, guilt, anguish, doubt, grief

III. DECIDING TO DIVORCE (6-12 months before invoking legal process)

A. Creating emotional distance (i.e., disparaging the other person/situation in order to leave it)

B. Seldom reversible (because it's been considered for awhile)

C. Likely for an affair to occur

D. Other person just begins Stage I (considering divorce) and feels denial, depressed, rejected, low self-esteem, anger

E. Both parties feel victimized by the other

F. Feelings: anger, resentment, sadness, guilt, anxiety for the family, the future, impatience with other, needy

IV. ACTING ON DECISION (beginning the legal process)

A. Physical separation

B. Emotional separation (complicated by emotional flareups)

C. Creating redefinition (self orientation)

D. Going public with the decision

E. Setting the tone for the divorce process (getting legal advice and setting legal precedent: children, support, home)

F. Choosing sides and divided loyalties of friends and families

G. Usually when the children find out (they may feel responsible, behave in ways to make parents interact)

H. Feelings: traumatized, panic, fear, shame, guilt, blame, histrionics

V. GROWING ACCEPTANCE (during the legal process or after)

A. Adjustments: physical, emotional

B. Accepting that the marriage wasn't happy or fulfilling

C. Regaining a sense of power and control, creating a plan for the future, creating a new identity, discovering new talents and resources

D. This is the best time to be in mediation: parties can look forward and plan for the future; moods can be more elevated (thrill of a second chance at life)

VI. NEW BEGINNINGS (completing the legal process to four years after)

A. Parties have moved beyond the blame and anger to forgiveness, new respect, new roles

B. Experiences: insight, acceptance, integrity Comparing Mediation and Litigation

In the Family Courts of Bucks County, Pennsylvania a former husband and wife are engaged in a continuing battle over custody of their children. In cases where children are involved, most parents want the kids shielded from the anger, fights and disagreements that arise in a divorce. However, a Pennsylvania dad - divorced from his wife in 2005 - started a blog in 2007 - as his new website says the reason for the blog is "to attract others going through similarly difficult divorce and custody situations in order to help them manage theirs  better." Source: www.savethepsychoexwife.com Instead, the ex-wife argues that the blog is disparaging to her and is harmful to the children.

The Family Court Judge presiding over the case agrees with the ex-wife. Recently, Judge Diane E. Gibbons ordered the father to "take down that website." She further ordered that the Father "shall never on any public media make any reference to [the] mother at all, nor shall he make any reference to his children other than "happy birthday" or other significant school events." The Judge reasoned that the "children are being hurt because you are bad mouthing the woman they love in public." Source: Transcript of Court Proceedings.

The Father is currently appealing the ruling by Judge Gibbons, arguing that his 1^st Amendment rights to free speech are violated by the order. He is also appealing on the grounds that his 14^th Amendment rights to due process were violated because he was not allowed to present evidence or object during the two hearings the court held prior to making her ruling.

Without getting into the detail of the Pennsylvania case any further, it gives rise to two issues to consider:

1) Is this type of conduct in the best interest of the minor children?

2) Should the Court order a blog like this to be taken down and limit a parent's public conversation on the issues surrounding a family court legal battle?

FEEL FREE TO POST COMMENTS IN RESPONSE TO THESE QUESTIONS

Child Support payments ordered by the Court become a series of judgments by operation of law. 750 ILCS 5/505(d)

What does this mean to you? If your circumstances change, for example, you lose your job or you get a pay reduction, you must petition the Court in a post-decree petition to modify or abate your child support.

Why, you ask? If you don't go to court and have the order changed, your child support payments will keep accruing at their original amount, judgment, upon judgment. Those judgments will also accrue statutory interest.

But "Wait!" you say - you've made an agreement with your 'ex' and he/she is "OK" with you paying a reduced amount until you find a new job. This agreement you say is in writing, it's been notarized, it's been witnessed by your priest, your rabbi and 100 of your closest friends, you think it's bulletproof - WRONG! It's worthless. It has no legal effect. No court has the authority to modify child support retroactively prior to the date a petition is filed seeking a modification.

How bad can it get? I've seen people have bank accounts seized; tax refunds seized; wages, even social security payments garnished.

Bottom line, if your 'ex' agrees to the reduction, have your attorney go to court and enter a court order reflecting the change. If your 'ex' won't agree, get a Petition on file as soon as possible.

Whether both of you work, or one of you stays at home, it's common that one spouse is primarily responsible for the household finances. If you're reading this, my guess is that you are not the one paying the bills, balancing the checkbook, investing your money or preparing your taxes.

My grandmother often tells a story of an era now long passed. She said that my grandfather's boss called her and said, "Violet, I know Ed is a good man and he brings you his pay check, but when you deposit it, sign his name on the back, not yours." What worked for my grandparents in the 50's isn't the best plan today, especially if you are contemplating a divorce.

I can't tell you how many people come to me and say, I don't know how much money we have in the bank or what we spend each month and they are terrified. In some cases, their partner uses this lack of knowledge and access to threaten and intimidate. Maybe your spouse even keeps the assets in his/her own name or uses a post office box so you can't access the funds or see what mail is coming in. Don't buy into the fear, your situation is more common than you think and there are divorce laws that can protect you.

What you can do right now ...

Run a Credit Report. While you may have your spouse's social security number, under most circumstances, it is not legal to run a credit report for your spouse/partner. By examining your credit report, you will be able to see your credit history - what charge cards are attached to your name, what mortgages are out there, your ability to access credit, etc.

Review at your Tax Returns. Your returns will tell you the sources and amounts of your income. If you don't have access to your returns, you can order duplicate returns from the IRS by completing FORM 4506. Only one spouse needs to sign to request a duplicate copy of a joint return. There is a minimal fee charged for duplicates.

Sign up for on-line access to your Bank and Credit Card accounts if you can.

Talk to your partner. Ask for access to the family's finances. Even if you are not contemplating a divorce, the knowledge is essential in cases of emergency.

NEVER sign a document without looking at it.

What next ...

If your spouse refuses to give you access to financial documents, doesn't keep them, or hides them, these documents can be obtained as part of the divorce, either from your partner or directly from the company or financial institution in question.

If your spouse is threatening to freeze you out if you file for divorce, speak to an attorney about your rights. In most cases, these threats are just made to intimidate you and have no basis in the law. Remember, laws are written to protect your rights. For example, courts can order emergency financial relief if your spouse tries to withhold your access to marital funds; additionally, courts can order your spouse to contribute toward your attorney's fees throughout the process so you too are afforded legal representation, even though you do not have access to marital funds.

A little bit of knowledge will go a long way toward relieving your financial anxieties. Know what your rights are and don't let your partner's threats intimidate you.